Sunday, July 7, 2013

Endings As New Beginnings

As I was reading from my Kindle app on the airplane back to America, I noticed I had not actually finished any of my downloaded books from cover to cover. I start reading three at a time and never finish any of them! I have a history of this problem. I always start book and never finish them. I will listen to the same song 150 times in a row. Usually, I will restart it before the song actually ends. I do this with movies too. I don't often watch movies at home, but when I do, I usually don't watch them all the way through. Or, I'll watch only the first part every single time. The question is 'why'? 

I could deduce that I just get bored or distracted.  I have so much going on all the time, it would be easy to have other things to do. Or maybe, I want to savor the excitement to come back to later when I have nothing better to do. Perhaps I would prefer to create my own endings in my mind as they tend to be better than the author's ideas anyways. 

In all honesty, I think it's because I don't like things to end. This disdain for ending continued upon my return to The States. I didn't want the trip to end. I wasn't really ready to come home, I was just ready for a change of scenery. I added on addendums to my trip to make it last longer visiting a few more friends, my college roommate and my grandparents. Because, ending that trip meant 'now what?' until the next adventure. And the in between is not near as fun and exciting!

All my baggage...literally.
I have been home a week and my suitcases still lie in the living room awaiting to be unpacked. In fact, even as I pack up everything else in my house to move, I haven't touched those bags. I have been looking forward to moving, however, I am so not in the mood to pack that I have considered staying just to avoid closing out this lease. However, today, I made too much progress (thanks only to a friend who should consider being a professional packer), so it makes more sense to move than to stay. Again, it goes back to this fear of things ending. Moving means change and change means adjustment. Adjustment means stress and stress means running...lots and lots of running. 

Underground tunnel tag job in Canterbury
Running leads to over thinking. At this task, I am an expert! I never realized how much I over think things until I started talking through my thoughts with others and stressed them out by all my thinking. So here is what the over thinking has revealed. 
  • Some things have to end. 
  • Without endings, there cannot be new beginnings. 
  • The end of good things leads to great things. 
  • We would miss the magnitude of the great things if there weren't merely good things along the way. 
It shouldn't be about speed
And maybe it isn't about endings after all. Maybe it is more about the means to an end. I ran into a friend this week at a coffee shop and we started talking about our hobby of running. We both admitted we haven't been so great about doing it as of late. We started talking about speed and how it would be good to work on speed before working on endurance. In most areas of my life, I'm a bit of a speed demon. I am in a hurry to get everywhere, achieve everything, and get everything accomplished. I rarely slow down to smell the stinking roses...which could be because I don't like flowers! Anyhow, as much as I don't like things to end, I rush through the process to get to the end for closure. Yet, then, I am wondering what is supposed to happen now? 

So, the application: 
I recognize I am in a season of many new beginnings. I can continue to dread the endings and miss out on the beauty of the present, or I can try to appreciate the present. I can block out the parts I don't like and replay only what I do like. Or, I can recognize the importance of all parts of the process leading to the end and find significance in the present. One step at a time, one day at a time, one chapter at a time, one full track at a time, I am working on endurance of the journey.

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